I'm Back! Again!

So, we finished those retests this Saturday. That means that we can breathe easy... for a couple of hours. We have a practical exam this week and the Ace Term Exam at the end of it. At least we don't have those Practical Theory tests. The last thing I want to do right now is drown in cheesy oxymorons. (This Blogger dictionary doesn't accept the word "oxymorons" for some reason. It accepts "oxymoron", but not "oxymorons". Fascinating.)

I'm doing the hoping there that I can come with more posts in simultaneous days there. You also keep doing the hoping.

I have so much to post. Damn!

Thought Of The Day

"He was a merit student. But there was some crack." [points to head].

-Premchand.

This is an extract from a priceless anecdote told by this man about a student in Deeksha who tried to explain algebra in terms of zebras and cobras.

I'm Back!

Yes, I know...It's been like a week and you guys are already so needy. (Shakes head).

Ace is being particularly bitchy this month. This Monday we have Advanced NLM. Then, on the 13th, we have those four retests in a row. That's 6 hours totally. (6 hours. Shah Rukh Khan can stammer 4.3 million times in 6 hours.) And then, we have POT on Monday. Then we have the term exams. 480 marks. (Shah Rukh Khan can't even say "480 marks" without stammering.)

So it's a f*^%-all month. So, if I don't post too often, don't die. Watch SRK movies if you want to.(snigger snigger.)

Key:

NLM: Nobody Lynches ME!

POT: What do you think!? Okay, Properties of Triangles.

SRK: Go To Hell.

YAD: You're A Dumass.

IMYLFYAD: I Made You Look For YAD.

Oh, I almost forgot. Happy Birthday Shah Rukh Khan!

Thought Of The Day

"If we take interest in harder problems, we will gain supremacy over other parallel children."

-HB.

[Shakes head]

The "Imagine HB As..." Game

This is the great HB.

In this still taken masterfully by Jayanta, he is demonstrating what he means by "coming directly into our brains."

1. Imagine HB as ...a BODYBUILDER!

Tada!

Keep reading for more of "Imagine HB As..."!

The Teeth Incident

There are many mysteries in this world: the Bermuda Triangle, Crop Circles, Milind Hegde, Stonehenge... But one of the foremost, that has astounded humankind for, well, millenia, is the fact that HB's teeth seemed to be bigger than his shoes. And the same colour.
As a class, we became aware of this the moment if uttered those fateful words that would never be forgotten, "This. Is. DEEKSHA! " (Try imagining a Spartan. Not the living kind.)
But time passed, and we, humane souls that we are, overlooked this act of Doug, (or God. I'm never really sure.) and began focusing on the rest of his infinite wrongnesseseses, the least of which being his hygiene.
Until...
As soon as he walked in, bad comb-over blatant as ever, whispers ran around the classroom. (The word 'ran' used in the most fragile sense of the word.) Something was different. Speculations arose. Was it his hair? Were his arms that long yesterday? Is it us?
Until suddenly, there was one of those sudden unified epiphanies that you only hear about in Stephen King novels: Teeth.
Like the protagonist of the great ancient epic, Hermione Granger, HB had taken the first step to sainthood. Change of physical appearance.
His front two teeth were SMALLER. Were they filed? Cut in half? Or are they new teeth entirely? We could only guess. But the fact that they were now a mere shadow of their old selves, was belittling enough.
Whether this was achieved, as the witch, by magic, or by the littler known magician, Dr. Lessor More, GOK. Perhaps Satan herself was the source of his liberation.
But all we knew, was that from that point on, everything changed.

Thought Of The Day, 23rd Oct.

"How many times to tell you, guys? Don't make me be rude with you, ya. ... I am good at it."

-Narendra.

Ah, teachers are such losers.

The Characters III - Narendra

Narendra Babu, a.k.a. Babu a.k.a. Nari a.k.a. gay guy, is our physics teacher.He is gay. You can tell by my previous sentence that I am not mucking about.

He may say, "Come on guys!... How can I be gay, ya? I am married ... to a woman!" Yeah? Good cover.

Narendra is supposed to be our class mentor, you know, a counselor sort of person. That is understandable. Gay people tend to become things like this. His heart is, as the expression goes, in the right place. But his heart has nothing to do with this teaching, does it? As a result, he is a horrible teacher. And that is why we detest him. (And also because he's gay of course.)

One of the standing rules in Narendra's classes is that when he is explaining a problem or a theorem, we are not supposed to copy down what is written on the board. We are to look at him. ("Why?" you may ask. Well, because he's gay.) And once he's done explaining, he will promptly rub the board. When are we supposed to copy the stuff? When we tell him to wait, he pulls a gay face and says, "Come on, ya!" in such a way that you are forced to withdraw your argument and concentrate on not laughing. What do you mean, why? Because he is gay!

Narendra has an obsession with rubbing the board. Or maybe it's just the rubbing. (Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.) Every class he walks in, and his first task after walking in is to find the duster. Once he finds the duster, he chooses a good spot near the window and starts slapping the wall, with the duster, to remove the residual chalk. Then he rubs the board. I mean, he literally comes on to the board. If he could've, he would've licked the board clean. (Because he's gay.)

Nowadays, he's started this new thing. He has a crush on Rohit and Anand. (You can see it in his eyes.)(You can also see in his eyes that he is gay.) So he makes one of them rub the board and he just stands there and enjoys himself thoroughly. Poor Rohit and Anand. They are forced to involve themselves in his (gay) fantasies.

Narendra has no fans in his class. I mean it both ways. The first "way", you should have understood by now. By the second "way", I mean that he also switches off all the fans. Why? Idon't know. But I have a hunch that it may be because...(wait for it)...HE IS GAY. However hot the weather is, he switches them off. If that isn't sadism, then I don't know what is. (It is also gay.) This has sparked off a series of jokes, the most popular one being:

What is the similarity between a Liverpool home game and a Narendra class?

There are no fans, and just one gay guy screaming from the sidelines.

Oh, did I mention, he is also very very gay.

Thought Of The Day, 23rd Oct.

"A fellow with humiliation will only finally gain knowledge."

-HB.

This thought showcases HB's wide range of thought processes and vocabulary. Notice how he made use of simple wordplay to throw us all into spasmodic fits.

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The Headlines: LKR Tries Football, Fails.

LIA, Mallasandra: LKR made rare appearance outside the classroom during the lunchbreak, here on Wednesday. As LKR was walking towards the gate after the class, the football that the 11 A boys were playing rolled towards him. Seeing the rolling ball, the Football Torrence in his blood took over all his emotions and actions, making him gallop towards the ball to strike it. At this point, eyewitnesses unanimously agree that he looked as dignified as a horse falling off a cliff.

As soon as his right foot made contact with the ball, he willed his shoe to go flying off at a perfect angle of 90 degrees to the trajectory of the ball. The ball itself flew exactly at a right angle to the direction that all the eyewitnesses thought the ball would go in. His shoe "chamak"ed the 11 A boys by rushing towards at the speed of a greenish-blue (not black) jet when they thought the ball would come towards them.

By this time, all the eyewitnesses state that they were blinking in amazement and were wondering if what they thought they saw actually happened. LKR then is reported to have calmly picked up his shoe put it on, walked away, without uttering a single word.

Aftermath

This incident caused a general loss of appetite and many now feel a newfound respect for The Ball That Had Lived.

The Characters II - LKR

This is the other Math teacher. He sometimes goes by the names Koteshwar and Kotu, mostly by LKR. In LKR, the "K" stands for Koteshwar and the "R" for Rao. We are not very sure about L.

This is a list of the possible names starting with L that may well be what the "L" stands for:

1. Lame-ass.
2. Lafangi.
3. Lamborghini.
4. Liver-Problem.
5. Life-Outside-Narayana-Sucks

There are many other names that might match, but to list them all out would be a waste of my time, energy and precious braincells. If you want a list of all the possible names, give me your time, energy and braincells and I'll make it for you.

LKR is a typical Narayana teacher with a typical Andhra accent. His accent is so bad that he might have told us what "L" stands for in his first class but we wouldn't have understood what he was saying. He is a short, stout man, just like the fabled teapot. And, boy, can he spit out some crap from his spout. I must admit that he is an extremely intelligent man, he knows his stuff. But he is not a very good teacher [read: he is a disastrous rowdy of a teacher]. He is known for blurting out approximately 123 formulae and their proofs, all in one chapter.

As his Possible "L-name" Number 5 suggests, he was a teacher in Narayana, but has now moved to Bangalore to prey on juicier meat, i.e. us. But he misses Narayana a lot, just like many of us miss the point of his classes. He keeps reminiscing about the good times he had in Narayana. Once started on an In-Narayana-I-Would-Have-Killed-You rant, he is almost impossible to stop - but then, nobody tries to stop him anyway. It's just too entertaining. His most famous rant included the line, "If it vas in Narayana, I vood hyave kyicked yim out of thi classu...with my legge." (I strongly suggest that you try saying that out loud to derive maximum fun from it).

LKR is also a recorded saddist. He writes his letters very small [read: very very very very very small]. If someone from the back of the class asks him to write a little bigger, he continues to decrease the size of his letters. He is also known for gently caressing the board with the chalk when he is writing. [read: he f*^&ing doesn't write dark enough] If you ask him to write darker, he switches to blue chalk and writes even lighter. But this is understandable since he has spent such a long time in Narayana.

To sum him up, he is a fat rude drunkard with a dress sense that would cause a weed-smoking, tattoo-sporting cross-dresser to go into an epileptic fit.

Disclaimer...sort of

Before they continue, the authors of this blog are inclined to make it very clear that all the characters and incidents featured on this blog are very much real, and that by making fun of them in an extremely heinous manner, they do not mean to disrespect them or to do them harm in anyway, but that they (the authors) are only trying to make life in Ace less miserable and more fun.

If any of the Ace teachers see this blog, God forbid, they (the authors) rest assured knowing that the computer screen will shatter, the pieces of glass will form a coordinated swarm and pierce their eyes and come out from the other side.

The Characters - HB

HB is one of our Math teachers. HB, I think, stands for Harishchandra Bhat. I think. I am not sure since when this "initials thing" caught on, but I think it was triggered off by our time tables in Deeksha which were basically matrices with random letters on them. ["What is Deeksha?" is one question which immediately comes to mind. But the answer to that will be found in a future post. No, I am not a soothsayer.] Only later did we realise that these letters were the initials of our teachers.

I chose to start with HB, not just because he is the craziest and most hilarious teacher I've ever seen, but because his was the first class we had in Ace. That was one hell of a first session, let me tell you that.

Here's the setup. We're all scrambling around trying to find our bearings, belongings and pieces of our brains in Deeksha, not knowing what was going to happen to us in the next seven-eight hours. We finally manage to figure out the room we're supposed to place our buttocks in and are just settling down. Okay fine, we were noisy. But it was our first day, we were meeting new people and old people (not old people, but you know, people we'd known before, people who had been in Kumarans last year. But I guess you got that), and fighting over seats.

Suddenly, this shortish man with a bristling mustache the colour of overused roads in India walks in. He has just enough hair on his head to cover the back of it and a little of the sides. The colour of his hair is very similar to that of his moustache, except that as soon as you see it, you feel that the hair has been given a paintjob so many times that it will puke if even a small amount of dye is brought near it.

He shouts, "Silence!". We obey his order. He then slams the door looks at all of us in disgust and says, "This is DEEKSHA." I don't know about the others but I almost peed in my pants. Only my supreme courage and love for my pants prevented me from doing so. Now, I was really scared.

He then started giving us a long lecture about how our goal was to reach IIT. In his own words: "Your goal is to what?, reach IIT. IIT. What? IIT. IIT. IIT." After that I realised that I shouldn't have judged this hilariously stupid and insecure man so soon. Now I know that he is, in fact, hilariously stupid and insecure.

Nowadays, we treat his classes like a free period. Well, most of us do. But I don't. I am very dedicated. I sit there, poised, with my pen in my hand and my notepad open, ready to jot down anything funny he says. It keeps me quite busy. On an average, he says something really stupid and hilarious every 72.5 seconds. (I'll put up all his quotes in a later post.)

HB has this habit of calling everybody "his children". Almost each sentence is finished off with a "my child" and a click of his tongue. So, this would be HB scolding someone for not knowing the answer to a problem:

"What is this, my child? Don't tell me I don't know this one that one! If you don't know this also then... out of the window??"

This would be him checking up on a random student:

"My child, what is wrong with you?"

This would be him when he is trying to be funny:

"Aaaaallll issszzz WEEEEELLLLLL!!!"

This would be him talking to Vikas:

"Ey! Chotu.....!"

The last word (Chotu) is to be said in the following way. You must first do the groundwork with the "Ey!". It is pronounced like the letter "a" and is held for approximately 1.5 seconds. Then you start off with "Cho-". The emphasis is to be laid on the "Tu". You start with a normal "tu", then go on increasing your pitch till you can't go any further. This word may go on for anything between 5 to 7 seconds.

He is also known for sticking his tongue out and curling it upwards trying, in vain, to reach his nose. This act of his has been interpreted in many ways. Some think that this is his way of showing his "children" the finger, some believe that it is his insecurity that is making him check every 5 seconds to make sure that his mustache is still there. But I personally think that doing that helps him think better. Surely, you have heard of the nerve ending present just above the upper lip of this species we call Teachers (Terrora profis, some falling under the subspecies, terrora profis bitchis).

At the beginning we would count the number of times he would stick his tongue out. The day he reached 112 stick-outs in 1 hour, we got bored, and started counting the number of seconds he would hold his tongue out for. His current record is 22 seconds, if I am not wrong.

That was a brief summary of HB for now. New and more interesting facts and opinions will be revealed as they come.

Welcome Ace-goers, non-Ace-goers and (last and least) Base-goers!

Welcome to my blog!

This blog is about the daily life of the 11 A students in Kumarans (CBSE).

For people who haven't heard of this institution, it is just like Hogwarts, but it's not. But now that you've come to know of it, expect an owl - no, Kumarans is too high class for owls - a Great Indian Bustard to break your door down and pluck you to death.

Please do not take any of the things in this blog too seriously... it may hurt. This is just a journal of a discontent 16-year-old student who is so depressed that he is seriously considering cutting his wrists after killing a bunch of other people in his school. (Remember what I said about not taking things seriously?)

But then, coming back to Ace, I want to make this point very clear: It is not as bad as you think it is. It is bad. But it is not as bad as you think it is.

I would also like to take this opportunity to sneer in contempt at everybody who goes to Base.

Enjoy ze blog!